


Everything's Hard for People Who Care

by Emjoy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-17 15:33:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3534731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emjoy/pseuds/Emjoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is confused about his feelings. He's been a bum since Lisa, and he hates himself for being gay. But he's never told anyone that before. And then he met Cas…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Get out of the house!" Sam yelled at Dean after clicking off the TV and grabbing Dean's beer. 

"Woah, Sam."

"No. I'm serious, Dean. You can't keep yourself locked up in here forever! It's not healthy." He sat across from Dean and put his hands through his hair. "I know that it was hard with Lisa, and-"

"You don't know a damn thing about what happened so you can just shut your mouth or…or I'll do it for you" Dean could feel his eyes swelling up and his face started to get hot. "You…you don't k-know a damn…thing." 

Sam took his chance to leave but rested his hand on Dean's shoulder for a quick pat before he closed the door behind him. Dean rubbed his hands on his face and swore under his breath. "Don't do this in front of Sammy, he should look up to you." He laid his head back and fell asleep on his beat-up arm chair that he found on the side of the road. He remembered that he didn't want to dent the Impala by putting it on top, so they had borrowed Lisa's dad's trailer. He remembered how much fun they'd had that summer. He dreamed of them together again. Laughing and singing to old songs for hours. He dreamed this every night. 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• 

He woke up in his sweat and tears and groaned. Stumbling into the shower and eating the left over pie for breakfast. He took a swig of beer and flopped back down on his bed. Sam had probably left that night. Dean knew he would be back, but Sam just wanted to give Dean some time alone. 

He swept off his towel and took the first shirt and pants off of the neatly folded stack of clothes that Sam had placed there in hopes that he'd want to go out that day. Which he never had. He didn't bother to direct his hair or even look in a mirror before he grabbed the keys off the table and slammed the door shut. He gripped the top of the Impala and slid himself into the front seat. The radio was playing a song that reminded him off Lisa. Everything reminded him of Lisa. Dean started driving and made up directions in his head of where he wanted to go. 

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Getting coffee wasn't really Dean's thing, he just wanted to feel clean. He sat at the table in the back corner, his head slumped down showing that "you shouldn't fuck with him right now" without Sam having to say it like he always does. 

The waitress skipped over to Dean. Apparently his look was not translating to her well because she asked how his day was and told him that she liked his hair like that while also asking his order too fast for Dean to make sense of. Dean only sighed and told her his order, not wanting to be responsible for some else's bad day. Dean looked up to scope out the room like he did every time. It was a force of habit and he would get irritated if he didn't know what the situation was. Two old men and their wives, a tired looking mother and her three excited looking toddlers, a few young girls all hanging out, and a guy-could be more than 25- staring at his laptop screen engulfing himself in whatever was on it. Dean's eyes halted when he saw him. His eyes were so blue. Every crease on his face fascinated Dean. His black hair flopped onto the side of his head wearing loose-ish clothing, but tight enough that you could see how beautiful his body was. 

The man looked at Dean staring at him out of the corner of his eyes and squinted giving the look of: "dude, why are you staring at me?" Dean caught on and looked away for a few seconds and then looked back, hoping that he wouldn't notice this time. Looking up, the man was still looking at Dean and then it was just embarrassing for both of them. 

The man walked over and sat across from Dean at his table.

"Do you have a problem or something?" He flicked his eyes up and down Dean to get a better look at him. He felt intimidated. 

"I…u-uh, no," He shoveled his hands through his hair and tossed it back, "sorry man. I don't know what's wrong with me." And he didn't. He was so confused and his stomach felt twisted. But it was a good feeling. "W-What's your name?" Why is he asking that? He was already so embarrassed, could he just stop talking?

"Cas…uh, actually it's Castiel, but…what's your name?" What was he doing?? This guy was really weird, but talking to him felt…felt right.

"Dean." They shared eye contact for another couple minutes that went past like seconds to them. Whenever Dean looked at him he felt…clean. Something no coffee or shower would be able to clean. Lisa's stain was slowly being wiped off by his blue, blue eyes. God, his eyes were so blue. Lisa's eyes were brown. Dean realized what he'd liked so much about this man-Cas- he reminded him nothing of Lisa. And he kind of loved it. This wasn't normal but it hadn't been the first time he's had these kinds of feelings about another guy. His first kiss was with a guy, actually, but he was 5 so he assured himself it didn't count and he didn't know what he felt. But he did. Sam was the only one he had told about these occasional feelings. Sam was the only person he planned on telling. He wanted Sam to tell him that that was normal. That every guy had those feelings and it didn't mean you were gay or anything. But he didn't. He just nodded and treated Dean like he hadn't just told him that could've dramatically changed their relationship. He wanted to ask Cas where he came from and compliment his eyes and ask about his day and hold his han-no. Dean needs to stop, he's getting ahead of himself. He tried to think about Lisa but he got lost in his eyes again. "You're name is cool."

"Thanks!" Cas realized he smiled too big and suddenly closed his mouth. People had always told him that before but coming out of his mouth, it…it felt sweeter. Cas wondered if Dean was interested in him, then immediately shut out the thought because, looking again, this man looked intensely straight. The shadow of a beard on his chin and his messy clothes, but he looked at his eyes. They were pleading for something and Cas felt so bad. They were a shade of green that made Cas feel quivers through his spine. He recognized the same look in his own eyes before he had told anyone he was gay. His brother Gabe was the first person he told. Gabe, being himself, then told the rest of their family. Michael, the oldest, snitching him out to their father. Cas felt his face heat up. He had never been yelled at so much by his father. He had always been a dad that was encouraging for anything, but Cas soon found out that wasn't true. He was shunned to the point that he ran away. Only being 18 at the time, he got a part time job at a coffee shop and a small, small apartment on the bad side of town. None of his relationships lasting because of his damaged heart. He had been living this way for so long and had mastered the art of living alone. But it hurt, nonetheless. 

"That waitress is a bit peppy, huh?" Dean said, trying to avoid the fact that Cas looked like he was about to cry. 

Cas sniffed,"yeah, her name is Anna." 

"Oh, so you work here?"

"Oh, um…yeah."

Dean smiled. Then Cas smiled. Dean because that meant this wouldn't be the only time he would have to see Cas, and Cas because Dean's smile was so beautiful. 

"Hey! Sorry to break up your staring contest, but this guy's lunch is over"

Dean looked up at this girl with brown, fuzzy hair. She was chewing gum and giving Dean a look that was borderline cringing, but Dean assumed that was just her reaction towards everything

"Sorry, Meg." Cas got up and walked past her on his way to the counter to tie an apron around his waist. 

"He's a treat, ain't he?" Meg started again. Dean just made a small approval noise and nodded once while looking at Cas pull his hair back and wash his hands. Every movement he made made Dean hurt a little less. It was nice. 

Dean finished his coffee and walked out. Giving one last look of acknowledgement to Cas before he walked out the door, but Cas wasn't there to look back and it hurt. Why did it hurt so much?

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

When Dean got back, Sam was laying on the couch flipping me through channels. 

"Hey, bud. You look happy. Did you meet anyone?" Sam asked while keeping his hand on the remote. 

"Kinda." Dean answered. Hell yeah he had, he had met someone who's blue eyes could make his knees weak and his pink lips could make him have to gain back his stability. 

"Nice," Sam smirked,"tell me about her." Dean winced and started sweating. His heart was weighing down on the rest of him. He shouldn't have started crying but he did. "Dude." Sam got up and looked down at Dean. Dean cried more because he was supposed to be someone Dean was supposed to look up to, but here he was crying like a baby Sam was comforting him. He changed the subject to avoid talking about his sexuality

"Man, I'm sorry you can't look up to me." Dean wiped his hand over his eyes. 

"That's not true! I've looked up to you since I was a kid. You think helping you makes you any less of a role model for me?"

"Yes." Dean's eyes rose to Sam's. Sam sighed and shoved Dean into his room. 

"How long has it been since you've slept for more than 2 hours?"

"I don't know." Dean lied. 3 days. He wanted to, but every time he fell asleep, he dreamed of Lisa. 

"Dammit, Dean. Take a nap or something." Dean agreed and collapsed into his bed. If he has just left it at that, everything would have been fine. But he didn't. 

"Sammy?"

"Yeah, Dean?"

"I met a guy." Sam's silence hurt Dean. 

"What do you mean?"

"You asked me if I had met someone and I met a guy"

"Dean-"

"And I think I might like him. I don't know Sam, just every time I look at him he makes me hurt less. And he makes me forget Lisa and…I don't know, I think I love him." Shit. 

"Dean-"

There was no going back now. "And I'm sorry if you don't like it Sam, but he makes me feel good and I can't ignore it forever. I know you expect to look up to me, and having a fag older brother as a role model sucks and I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I know you wanted me to hold it back. And so did dad, but I can't. I need him."

"Dean-" Dean didn't want to know what Sam had to say. He was scared. He shut the door in his face and sat on his bed and cried. Then he stopped crying and cleaned out his guns. Loaded them, and then unloaded them. Sharpened his knives. Took a lighter and smoked 2 packs. He knew what he would do. He would pretend that that night never happened. He would keep in his feelings like he'd been doing his whole life. He would never visit that coffee shop again. He would completely avoid Cas and his beautiful blue eyes. Those damn eyes. And whenever he remembered him he would drink until he forgot. That's what Dean did, after all. He drank away memories that he could have had. He imagined waking up to his blue eyes and drank. He imagined holding hand and drank. He imagined taking care of a baby girl. Cas singing to her while she was in her arms and Dean sitting next to him and kissing his head and playing with his hair and he drank. Everytime he closed his eyes he could imagine those eyes staring at him, so he drank until he couldn't see. Drank until he didn't have to dream, because he knew he would dream about him. Which was much worse than dreaming about Lisa. He just wished he could have said goodbye to him at the coffee shop. Just one for the road. 

He wished.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean hates everything about himself, and Cas is the one who makes all those thoughts dissapear

Everything hurt. Could someone explain to him how his life could have changed in less than a minute? He didn't know how Sam would react to is choices and he didn't want to find out. Dean only knew the worst-case scenario was not a scenario he wanted to be a part of. He had many images of this "worst-case scenario" in his head and they were all different, and they all got worse.

When this happened he tried to think about Cas. Was he still at the coffee shop? Did he have the same haircut? Did he miss Dean? Dean didn't want to think about that. He imagined Cas forgetting about Dean as he had walked out a week ago. The way he hadn't looked at Dean. All Dean could assume was that Cas hadn't cared about him as much as Dean cared about Cas. Nobody could care about Dean as much as Dean cared about Cas. That wasn't true. 

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Cas was at the shop, like always, but mentally he would never stop preparing for the moment that handsome man would burst through the door with the little bell on it. He imagined what he would say and the perfect way to say it. He imagined how cool he would play it and he imagined every pick-up line that were just cheesy enough to pass off as cute. 

But he never did. 

On Monday Cas got up and got ready in half the time would usually take. He sorted his hair so that Dean would realize how badass he could be, even though he looked like a delicate butterfly. He wore his better jeans, the black ones, that toned his legs but weren't classified as skinny jeans. His mission was to make this man fall in love with him as fast as he could because he couldn't take being alone any longer, and Dean looked like he had the same amount of holes in his heart that Cas did. He loved that about Dean. 

On Tuesday he did the same. Not even a little less enthusiastic. He would wash his jeans every night just so he could wear them again for Dean. Anna and Meg teased him about his crush and how they would get married and have millions of love children. Even though it was just two friends being sweet to their friend, Cas, it was always so awkward with Meg. Meg had had a big, big crush on Cas ever since she had met him. Cas didn't know if she was over it yet, but considering the 4 times he had turned her down, he hoped she had. 

On Wednesday and Thursday and Friday Cas was still hopeful. He would never give up on Dean. Even if, and the thought came to Cas once in a while, Dean had given up on him. But Anna and Meg had stopped joking and started worrying about Cas. Cas knew, he could hear them whispering about "what would happen if this guy never showed up". Or, "what if Cas never gets over this guy?" 

It had hurt that they said things like that, but Cas knew it was possible. Very possible. He just didn't want to think about it. 

He wanted to re-live that day again with Dean. He wanted to hear how he talked and how his jaw moves when he talked. He wanted to say goodbye to Dean as he walked out. Maybe that's why he hadn't come back…was it that Cas hadn't said goodbye to him. Oh, how he wished he could go back in time and fix every mistake he had made that day. 

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

When Dean could hear Sam leave he would slither out of his room into the kitchen and grab the food that Sam had specifically gotten for him, and Dean knew it. Sam had been fully willing to talk to Dean about what had happened but he gave him the time he needed. He was grateful. All Dean did nowadays was complain and cry and he felt angry at himself because he wasn't the only one going through problems. 

This time Dean dared to stay in the kitchen as he ate his food. Although hurting, he took a step outside which he hadn't done in forever, it seemed like. They had been staying in a smallish cabin somewhat off the road and into the road. In the middle of nowhere. Dean leaned against a tree and looked up at the sky leaking through the leaves. The blue sky reminded Dean of Cas. His heart melted. 

"Fuck it. Fuck everything." He pushed himself off of the tree and grabbed the keys for the impala. He stuck them in the ignition and slammed down on drive. He was obviously going too fast, but Dean more cared about what he was going to say to Cas than if a cop was going to pull him over. Nobody was on the road anyway. Middle of nowhere. He remembered every turn on every street to that coffee shop even though he'd only been there once. 

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

He parked the impala as close to the shop as he could, but he'd have to walk a few blocks. He looked at the movie theater where he'd taken Lisa for their 3rd anniversary. "Fuck her." He said to himself, only thinking about Cas, and how he was shaped and how he talked. He didn't want to glance back at the theater, but he did. Oh god, why did he. 

As he looked back he saw her there. Laughing. Fucking laughing. Dean had to stop. She fixed her hair, leaned in and kissed a man on his cheek and looked at Dean. She also stopped immediately. There was just a moment where they looked at each other and it felt like eternity. Dean was about to punch her in the face. He clenched his fists. She was across the street sitting at the curb with some other guy and they were eating subs. The man with her noticed that he had lost Lisa's focus and traced her stare back to Dean. 

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

 

Cas looked out the window as he did every thirty minutes to see if Dean had come. At first, Cas felt overjoyed and nearly screamed but then stopped. What was happening, was Dean okay? Caring about him, he belted the door open and ran out. 

"Dean!" He reached out for him to comfort whatever was happening, because he looked like he was going to cry. 

Dean looked over at Cas running towards him with his arms out. He grabbed Cas' arms and wrapped them around his neck and put his own in Cas' hip and cheek and pulled him close. He flicked his eyes at Lisa and her face of total dumbfounded wonder. Then he flicked his eyes back at Cas and his face of total dumbfounded wonder. But it was different…it was better. Dean smiled and put those pink lips into his. It was great. The best Dean had ever had. It took a few minutes, but he pulled back enough to look at Cas' eyes. He couldn't handle Cas' eyes. He pushed Cas against the wall of a building with his body and put his knee between his thighs. Dean put his hands on Cas' face and melded their mouths again. Cas' hands scraping over Dean's back which felt so good. After a few minutes of pure heaven, Dean backed away from Cas, giving him time to breath. Dean turned around and looked at Lisa. She looked so angry and looked like she could stab someone. He loved it. 

But what would Sam think?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry this one wasn't great, but I didn't have a lot of time to work on it and I wanted to get it done as soon as I could for you guys, so…I hope you still like it. Comment if you want more chapters because I'm not totally sure about that:)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading the whole thing even though it was kinda short:) so let me know in the comments if you want more chapters or if you liked it or anything…thanks again


End file.
